Tyler Perry was right. "I can do bad all by myself!"

Well this past week hasn't been pretty. The boys got sick for a few days, and I stayed home to care for them. They definitely watched way to much TV and played way to many video games. I'm pretty sure we missed a teeth brushing once or twice, and we definitely had at least one day where they didn't get out of their pajamas or as I prefer to call it: "pajama day." (I think that sounds better don't you?) Any way, big thanks to my in-laws and parents for helping and thank you to all of you for your prayers and support. Friday marked the last day we received meals from our church friends and our neighbors. They have really come in handy and have been a tremendous blessing. However, you know what this means. Daddy gets to cook, or as my children prefer to call it, "Run for your lives. Daddy's setting stuff on fire again!" Today was my first attempt. David asked for waffles. My response was to give birth to a cow. When I recovered, I forced myself into the kitchen. I went through three boxes of Bisquick, and I'm not sure how much milk and eggs. It wasn't pretty, but I managed to create 6 waffles. For those of you who read this and are my neighbors, pay no attention to the fleet of fire trucks that are sure to come to our house this coming week. For the rest of you, if I don't update this blog in a few weeks it's because I burned down the house trying to make toast. Until next time, stay safe and God bless.

I miss Mommy

What does a father say when his little boy is crying in bed and says, "I miss Mommy. I miss it when she used to sing songs and scratch my back." I wish I could bring her back, but I can't. I wish she were there scratching Dawson's back and singing to him, but she's not; and she never will be again. That is quite a hard thing for this father to handle. Right now I'm swallowing harder than I ever have before. But I did sing (badly I might add) and scratched his back. Fortunately, he smiled and rolled over just like he used to do for her. David said, "Dad, do you want me to talk to him?" He's such a good big brother, but I fear he's trying to be a bit too brave.

This week seems like our long crawl back into reality. It stings quite a bit. Yesterday, I visited a friend in the hospital (oh how I hate that place). I went because I love him and his wife, but the sound of those machines practically made me jump out of my skin. Tomorrow, we go on the walk in Wilmington to raise money to fight cancer. It's going to be gut wrenching, because Barbara won't be there. However, I look at it as an opportunity to raise money so we can hopefully one day find a stake to drive into the heart of that aweful disease. I hope I'm there when that happens, because I'm going to twist that stake over and over again.

The boys have started acting out. When I ask them why, they say I don't know, and while they might not, I do. I realize you can't blame everything on them losing their mother, but it is a factor. Some of it has to do with me too. I'm not there enough and it shows in their behavior. Often, it feels like a daily struggle. Should I just quit school and spend every second with them? On the other hand, Barbara and I (mainly Barbara) sacrificed so much so that I could finish. How would that honor her? I feel like I'm in a race against time.

While I go through all this, it so nice to have a Savior to hold your hand. Thank God He knows the way. He gets me through it mostly by little graces - a hug from a friend, a meal, a slap on the back, a friend who looks at me and genuinely asks, "How are you?" It's times like these I whisper a quiet prayer and say, "Thank you so much, Lord." I don't know what I would do with out Him and the people He sends my way.

Surviving

Since Barbara's death, some folks have asked me to keep the blog alive by keeping regular correspondence. Other people want me to publish her work. For now, I'm just going to try to survive. I can barely handle grieving, work, parenting, and grad school. Trying to find a publisher at this point would probably put me over the edge. While Barbara was a prolific author, my plan is to make an occasional post. First, let me start off by saying thank you. Thank you to all of you for your cards, your financial support (I was totally surprised by that one.), your flowers, your delicious meals, your thoughts, your prayers, your visits, your hugs. That list could go on and on. It's really been wonderful. You have all been wonderful to me and my family, and I really appreciate it. I would also like to thank Barbara for doing her best to prepare her husband for single parenting. She was one amazing woman. Finally, and most importantly, I would like to thank Jesus Christ for His amazing grace - most of which shows up in the form of you her readers. Thus far, the boys and I are learning to take things day by day (and sometimes minute by minute). We've had a few ups (i.e. receiving your encouragement) and a few downs (David has gotten sick twice once with some stomach thing and now a nasty cough. Dawson seems to be picking up his own cough now.) At any rate, Barbara soldiered on through thick and thin, and so will I, even if it means I burn the house down trying to cook my first meal. May God bless us all.