Saturday, October 9, 2010

I miss Mommy

What does a father say when his little boy is crying in bed and says, "I miss Mommy. I miss it when she used to sing songs and scratch my back." I wish I could bring her back, but I can't. I wish she were there scratching Dawson's back and singing to him, but she's not; and she never will be again. That is quite a hard thing for this father to handle. Right now I'm swallowing harder than I ever have before. But I did sing (badly I might add) and scratched his back. Fortunately, he smiled and rolled over just like he used to do for her. David said, "Dad, do you want me to talk to him?" He's such a good big brother, but I fear he's trying to be a bit too brave.

This week seems like our long crawl back into reality. It stings quite a bit. Yesterday, I visited a friend in the hospital (oh how I hate that place). I went because I love him and his wife, but the sound of those machines practically made me jump out of my skin. Tomorrow, we go on the walk in Wilmington to raise money to fight cancer. It's going to be gut wrenching, because Barbara won't be there. However, I look at it as an opportunity to raise money so we can hopefully one day find a stake to drive into the heart of that aweful disease. I hope I'm there when that happens, because I'm going to twist that stake over and over again.

The boys have started acting out. When I ask them why, they say I don't know, and while they might not, I do. I realize you can't blame everything on them losing their mother, but it is a factor. Some of it has to do with me too. I'm not there enough and it shows in their behavior. Often, it feels like a daily struggle. Should I just quit school and spend every second with them? On the other hand, Barbara and I (mainly Barbara) sacrificed so much so that I could finish. How would that honor her? I feel like I'm in a race against time.

While I go through all this, it so nice to have a Savior to hold your hand. Thank God He knows the way. He gets me through it mostly by little graces - a hug from a friend, a meal, a slap on the back, a friend who looks at me and genuinely asks, "How are you?" It's times like these I whisper a quiet prayer and say, "Thank you so much, Lord." I don't know what I would do with out Him and the people He sends my way.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can't seem to find the words that could even demonstrate that we understand what you face on a day to day basis. Just know that you are lifted up in prayer and that we are here for whatever you might need. (Again, I know you hear that multiple times a day!) Hoping that the walk today, as tough as it will be, is a time of celebration of a wonderful woman and a time where you are surrounded by so many who love you guys!
Bridget, John, Keira, and Hannah

Robyn said...

Dave- you are a great writer. I can feel the emotions you are facing from what you write. Thank you for being vulnerable, and willing to share how you guys are doing. I know it isn't easy to share from the heart. Love you so much and again, wish I could be there to help out- to take the boys for you for awhile, to bring a meal, give a hug, etc. Praying for you continually.

Jon Stolpe said...

Dave,
Thanks so much for sharing. It helps to know how you are really doing, and it helps to know how to pray for you and the boys. I too wish I could snap my fingers and make things right, but I'm trusting as best I can that all will be right one day. Hang in there.
Jon

Jeff, Amber, Emalyne, Jael and Jethro said...

thank you soo much for sharing...it helps us know better how to pray for you...keep clinging to the Lord...hope that the walk went well...wish we were closer that we could help with the boys...we are praying for you....

Anonymous said...

Hi Dave,
My name is Stacy Booth Yates. I knew Barb in highschool and volleyball. The last two years we have been back in touch and was so inspired by her strong words in her blog.
To heal is not to grieve too long
For the road ahead will be very strong
Grieve as you should
as we all must do
while knowing that all along you have two wonderful boys that you two created
Barb lives through them and will continue to do so
Grieve with them but never let her go
For she is with you always.
For a father to go through what you are going through is the worst feeling in the world.I have only words of comfort Dave. Please don't hesitate to vent:) I am on facebook as well. Take care and continue on:)Stacy Booth Yates

Anonymous said...

Dave- I am sorry that you have to go thru this & like the others- I am thankful you are willing to be honest & willing to share with us your ups & downs on this journey. I know it isn't much- but each day I am blessed to see David at lunch & when he wants to chat- I am very happy to listen to his "typical" boy comments!! He is indeed a great young man !! We will continue to keep you in our prayers.

Christie N. said...

Dave ~ You are an incredible Daddy!!! How I wish I could erase the pain you and the boys suffer, but I know that's impossible. Thank you for being honest with your feelings and please continue to do so. We are here to listen and we grieve with you. You do have a lot of responsibilities and I want you to know we are here to help you meet whichever ones you choose. Team Barbara is Team Dave & the boys, too. We love and support you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Dave, I'm glad you're letting us see a little bit inside the Anderson household and inside your heart too. You three guys are prayed for and loved so much. Remember what I said - I know about boys - so just let me know if I can give you a hand. That's what your church fam is for!! Lee & Dorel

Anonymous said...

Dave, please know that you and the boys are thought of and prayed for always. Nothing that we say right now will help...but we will be here for you as an extra pair of hands, extra pair of ears or someone to sit quietly with. You are doing what you can right now so don't be hard on yourself. Give the boys hugs from us and give Dawson a scratch on the back and tell him it is sent with love from Keira's and Hannah's MomMom! Jim and Judy

Sara said...

hey its Sara Benevento . I cant imagine what your going through and i cant begin to even know how to share what i felt when i read that but i do know if you ever ever ever need a babysitter or someone to come over and help around the house i am more than willing to come down and lend a hand. Of course most days i have faith but im sure she would love to play with the boys ! I'm not as great as a chief as my dad but i can try, again if you ever need anything, i am more than willing to help. I love you guys, and im happy that through all this your trust in the lord has stayed strong. I know in my struggles with my daughter i have lost my way with him a few to many times but you are a true inspiration and proof that i just need to keep the lord in my heart at all times. Thank you Dave !