Thursday, August 30, 2007

It's Thursday already?

This treatment has been easier to handle (so far). I believe it is because my parents are here and I have "life" in the house, even while the boys are at childcare. I am realizing how important it is for me to have people around me right now. It takes my mind off of what is happening and keeps me from focusing too much on the physical side effects.

Monday, August 27, 2007

(Not) Ready for what is next

Have you ever had to do something you REALLY didn't want to do? One of those things where you have to, no choice about it, but you almost had to force your feet to take the steps to get to it. Welcome to chemo! I am so reluctant to do this now because I know what is on the end of things. I had my 4th treatment today and was much more emotional prior to the chemo day than I have been in the past. It started yesterday and just continued until they hooked me up today. I was sitting in the chair waiting for my meds and an emotional (tidal) wave flooded me. Dave went to get some water and asked me if I needed anything. My response was, "Yes, take me home." I was sitting next to a woman who told me that she thinks that it is Jesus' blood flowing through her veins during chemo and His blood will fight that cancer.

My parents are in town this week and I am looking forward to their company and help. It will relieve Dave of a lot of the responsibility. Not to mention, both grandparents and grandchildren will be very happy.

More tests are being scheduled to take a look at everything before surgery. My oncologist said to me that I only have 6 weeks from today before my last chemo. 6 weeks doesn't seem too long to me today. Talk to me tomorrow and we'll see how long that seems.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Doctor's Orders: Slow Down

I have been feeling pretty great the last week or so and have enjoyed being with the boys. We have done all kinds of things together. But, by the evening, my body is so worn down and I am getting headaches about that same time. I called the doctor's office about this because I know everything could be related to the chemo. I just had an MRI of the brain in June and that came out normal. I also have glaucoma (I am young for that diagnosis) but just saw my eye doctor about 2 weeks ago. Basically, if I can manage them with a mild pain reliever, they are related to the fact that I am "taking care of small children and getting chemo." It seems to be my body's reaction to lack of rest. Obviously, if they get worse, I need to contact the doctor again. I will be there on Monday receiving chemo anyway. I am so happy to be able to take care of them, I am not taking care of myself.

I took the boys to a free movie yesterday, "Charlotte's Web." David and I were talking about what meat comes from a pig, when he pointed out to me that Charlotte died. He said, "It was her time." We talked a lot about death and he had a lot of questions. That was not an easy conversation to have with my soon-to-be 5 year old. But, those are the moments I don't want to forget.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Moments I don't want to forget.

I had been writing in a journal when we first found out the news of the cancer. It has now become harder to concentrate long enough to write. (Typing is easier!) So, I just started making lists of things I don't want to forget. It is amazing at the end of the day how long that list becomes. It is difficult for me to remember things from one day to the next but this list makes me feel like I won't forget the memorable moments of each day.

I had a good day with the boys today. I took David to his last gymnastics class for the summer and then we went to the pool. I sported a new hatless look at the pool and only noticed one person staring at me! It is just too hot to put a hat on my head. David was a little concerned that I wasn't wearing a hat. He asked me, "What if someone is sad to see that you are sick?" I told him that they could talk to me about it. He said, "What if they think you look funny?" I told him, "What if they do? It doesn't matter."

Monday, August 13, 2007

I'm done, thanks!

Yesterday, I had a bit of a breakdown about this cancer thing. Is it over yet? I'm just tired of feeling sick and tired. I did feel well enough to go to church last night but still have moments throughout the day when I don't feel well. It is better than it was last week. I just miss feeling like myself. Both my brain and body are not their usual selves. I was reading something recently that referred to "running the race." How can I run a race when I still have trouble getting through Target? It seems like the race is sooooo long! I have been thinking a lot about what I still have yet to do - 3 more rounds of chemo, surgery, radiation and then surgery again. I try not to think about it but it seems to consume my brain, especially when I am sick. I told Dave that "I can't do this anymore." Was it ever me doing it in the first place? I always had trouble understanding what grace meant. I am beginning to understand that grace is something you need to see with your heart. Thank God that He is strong enough to get me through this, because I am not.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

I feel like I am so close to being back to my old self, but I just can't jump that hurdle! I have had worse stomach problems this round and they seem to be hanging on forever. Today was the first Sunday that I wasn't able to go to church with my family due to physical problems. I knew that with each treatment, the recovery would be harder and longer but I guess I still hoped it wouldn't happen. I'm going to try to go to the evening service. Church was just something "normal" I could do with my family, not to mention it helped my spirits.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Goodbye Loneliness!

I think I am starting to figure out this chemo thing and how to get through it. This is Day 3 of chemo and in the past has been my worst. I really struggled with it last time and thought I would try something new this time. I had some ladies from church just come sit with me today. We would talk about the cancer when I felt like it. We would also talk about raising boys, planning weddings, and just everyday stuff. And when I needed to rest, I did. It was so helpful to have someone in the house today even when I was sleeping. There are some days I enjoy being home alone but today is not one of them. Having people around really helped to speed up the day.

Monday, August 6, 2007

A Day at the Beach and A Day at Chemo

We have returned from our vacation to NC and it was wonderful, relaxing and beautiful. The boys had a good time (although Dawson does not travel well so he was challenging at times). David was able to go fishing with Dave and he also spent lots of time jumping waves. More importantly, pirates invaded our island for the weekend and you know David was just in awe.

More good news from the doctor today and we now have an idea when the next step will take place. If the treatments stay on track, I will have my last treatment in October and surgery in November. I had my third treatment today and am now halfway done! The tumor continues to respond and it is hopeful that after surgery, all cancer cells in that breast will be gone.
I wrote myself a letter today to encourage me in the times this week when I think I can't do this anymore. (I don't always write about that part.) Dave read it and laughed at things like, "I will stop shuffling." I get an old man shuffle about midweek because of the weakness and I shuffle to take David and Dawson to their childcares. The letter also says things to help me draw on God's strength when mine is gone.