Good and Bad News

I had a Brain MRI yesterday. I had a lot of trouble getting through the MRI - breathing problems from lying flat (and maybe some anxiety). I did finally finish it. The 4 tumors that were hit with the cyberknife have shrunk and should continue to do that but a new one popped up. It is small but wasn't present on the 3/15/10 MRI. The plan is to watch it and see if more pop up before another cyberknife. A second round of whole brain radiation would be too detrimental to my brain so we have to attack these"seedlings" as they come along.

My head knows that both sets of news have good sides, blessings. My heart just hears, "more cancer," "more treatment." The chemo I receive next week is my 50th chemo treatment! And I still get upset before each one. People tell me that I am brave - I'm not, I'm scared!! The trouble I had with the MRI is making me wonder if my chemo is no longer working as well. You might see me living life and it looks like we are keeping it together, but inside, I'm not. I am daily reading about God's love and His grace and His mercy and that is what is sustaining me. If I show any emotion in front of Dawson, he completely loses it and becomes very emotional. I think he remembers the winter when I would go to the doctor and end up in the hospital for 2 weeks.

My parents are coming into town next week and I am looking forward to the visit and a change of pace. Meanwhile, Dave and I are planning a trip to New England this summer. David told me he wanted to come too and I had to explain how this trip is good for our whole family. He'll understand better when he has monsters of his own. A little separation is a good thing! I pointed out that they would be with Pop and Gam, or as Dave refers to their house - Disneyworld.

My prayer request is this - peace. I am off those ugly steroids and am now looking for peace in the midst of this. Dave is very busy with school and work right now and is doing as much as possible to help me, but there are only 24 hours in a day and he does need to sleep! I may have to hang up my Supermom cape and call in some reinforcements sometimes. I am getting better at asking for help and accepting it.

Finally, yesterday I saw a woman in my oncologist's waiting room that I have spoken to in the past. I was on my way out the door to another appointment (and just had heard about tumor #5) so I didn't stop to talk. But, I remember speaking with her shortly after the breast cancer metastasized to my lungs, about 2 years ago. She also had Stage 4 breast cancer, but hers had spread to multiple organs - liver, abdomen, bones, lungs. She has 3 children and we have talked about how life goes on because of the kids. Anyway, I was encouraged to see her because she has been battling this longer than I have with many more metastases and she is continuing to fight. I have emailed her and am hoping to find out her status.

We appreciate all of the messages, cards, emails, meals, prayers, gifts - everything that our dear friends and family have sent. We thank God for all of your support!